apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
