Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
