we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
