I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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