The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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