her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
