I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize