mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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