So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
