Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
