What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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