Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
