i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
