I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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