hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
