I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
