How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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