can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
