I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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