Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
