The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
