just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
