my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
