Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
