He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
