Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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