just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
