the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
this is an emotional support booty call
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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