Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
