A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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