I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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