The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
