He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
