I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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