capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
