haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
