I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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