Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
