You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
