Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
