careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
