I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize