I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
