it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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