my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
