I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
