Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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