The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
