What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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