Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
