Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
