I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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