if you like me you must not know who I am
your room smells of hookers.
And success
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
