I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
