Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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