Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
