My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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