you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
